Sunday, May 13, 2007

Seasonal Effective disorder or something like it

After about a month of unseasonably warm gorgeous weather, it has decided to rain and rain and rain. It's not exciting rain either. There are no thunderstorms or lightening that get me all scared and excited at the same time. It's just that cold constantly drizzling constantly miserable soul sucking, psyche ruining rain, that prevents me from enjoying the outdoors and drives me to the brink of madness from staying inside. Nothing is as disheartening as checking out the ten forecast for three weeks in a row and seeing it read: Showers, Showers, Light showers, Showers, Showers, etc.
I'm going so nuts that today I was standing at the bus stop under my crappy little umbrella, which kept threatening to blow inside out and my mind starting wandering to distant recesses of the past....Out of nowhere I started musing about Island of the Blue Dolphins... this book I had been obsessed with in the 3rd grade. it was about this girl living with her tribe somewhere on the coast of California and one day they all decide to pack up and leave ...I forget they just leave her behind. Kind of like Home Alone except in the wilderness, without all the cool 90s fun and fending for yourself. She befriends this like crazy wild dog and has to do all this crazy surviving stuff like eat dried abalone and she weaves herself clothes form sea grass. I honestly thought it was THE coolest thing in the world. Of course then these nutty viking poachers or something show up and she has to decide to go with them or stay by herself I can't really remember but I think she just stays...
After that I got obsessed with the idea of living on my own in secret...I'm sure my therapist would love to hear all of this... I read books like Mandy where this little orphan girl finds an abandoned house and setting up house, but the house is owned by a rich man who finally comes and saves her one day when she gets sick in the house or something. And I was always watching Pippi Longstocking with that crazy monkey friend of hers just hanging form the rafters of her house and beating up pirates and bad guys.
I'm not exactly sure where this ramble is going, I guess I am trying to say that it's interesting to look back and think about what you liked as child and what kind of romantic notions you had. It's no suprise that I wasn't easily duped by stories where a girl falls in love and that makes everything amazing and birds sing and the sky turns technicolor. I guess I knew even then that there could be something exciting about being on your own and figuring things out for yourself. It's something that I certainly need to be reminded of now when i start getting all mopey about my lack of relationships and start acting like I need another person in my life to make it all complete. Things that seems insignificant from our childhood actually have a lot to do with who we become and how we behave and sometimes it takes a little rain and a miserable stint at the bus stop to remember all that.

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